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Mood:  blue

Some time ago, I was so angry with life that I questioned God's hand on my shoulder. Please read on and never repeat my mistake; although I rebelled, God blessed me in so many wonderful ways; all my life is not sufficient to thank Him enough.

 "Time was spilling its daily venom... my attempt to escape routine failed because there was no soul available to drag me out of my inner swamp. Everything came from there:my wandering heart; she sheltered pains, passions, questions, goals, nurturing caffeine thoughts. My projects have broken wings. People dislike truthfull natures, therefore they will do whatever it takes to shut you down. Really? mmm. Human behaviour obeys the law of minimal effort says a french scholar, Andre Martinet.
I dare to correct his error: human behaviour obeys the law of personal gain. Full Stop.
Who would waste time on you if he doesn`t get something in return? nobody. If the individual you like to proudly call your friend, would ever find the time and courage to listen to you, support you or even tell you you`re wrong, don`t fool yourself, payback time it`s ajust around the corner.
Next time he`s in trouble you`ll be the shoulder he`ll cry on. should it be like this? Conditional relationship?
Why not?! It`s a vicious circle, we give and expect to receive,
otherwise we will channel our energies towards somebody else.
Hey , what about my mom, she always gave me the best of everything or at least tried to.
Well, she expects respect, reasons to be proud of me and eventually care when she`ll be old enough to need it.

Words ran thru my foggy mind, but everytime i wanted to arrange them in a revealing sentence, I got scared and backed off. Who would listen? God. oh, no, God is doubtfully rejecting my prayers.
Maybe i`m not persuasive enough, who knows? one day i asked for the peace of mind. All Igot was a piece of pie, some neighbour brought me in exchange of a chair she barrowed.

As I was walking nearby a playground, I heard children murmuring. I stopped for a while,  took a look. So innoncent and fragile and though, so full of demands. They laugh as long as they own the favourite toy, as long as they`re pampered enough, as long as nobody endangers their beloved playground. We were born self`centered, even if we like it or not. Universe starts evolving around us since the moment we get into this world.

In fact, I don`t know why the idea of self`centered individuals became tabu`. Which is totally
wrong. If Iam the center of my little world, then I get the maximum, I offer, evaluate, expand myself. To the benefit of everything and everybody around. I would be engaged in a productive process,
which will encounter development. On the other hand ,i can see myself alone, crying my eyes out. No solid pillars to lean on,
no friendly ground to sustain my weakening steps. Totally depressing atmosphere.
Which picture would you choose? Obviously, the first one, having me in the middle.

I interrupt a leaf`s flight to the ground.
She`s still green and such in a hurry to cover the earth, like an obediant servant. Being a leaf seems so simple,being human it`s terrifying."

 

May you who read this post not know sorrow, may God bless you.